Sunday, December 29, 2013

All Hail Zee, Queen of the Worst Case Scenario Incidental Medical Finding

Thought I’d explain the name of the blog: Maflunctioning Robot.

I am kind of on the fritz. 

In the past few years I’ve been diagnosed with more random and rare conditions than one would think possible for anyone who wasn’t Mr. Monty Burns, The Sickest Man in the United States. As my lovely sister and fellow gimp Zeba said the other day “If I didn’t know you, and just heard your medical updates, I’d think you were some kind of compulsive liar.” Word. I’m glad I drag my husband along to the doctor visits, otherwise I’d begin to doubt my own sanity or at least, my hearing. The list? Gastroesophageal reflux disease, stomach ulcer, spondylitic arthritis, multistage degenerative disc disease in cervical and lumbar spine, fibromyalgia, bursitis, Hashimoto’s thyroiditis, thyroid cancer, Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome and now, the crowning glory – an unruptured brain aneurysm. Seriously yo. That list is some dark comedy, even without a few of the diagnoses I’ve skipped.

So what’s it all like? Oddly, pretty normal. I guess that’s because other than the cancer and the brain aneurysm, the rest are mainly chronic disease, meaning you just have them and live with them. Is it fun? No. But it’s manageable and a lot of people have a lot worse. There are definitely days when it all gets me down, especially when I compare my energy and activity levels now to what they were 5 years ago, but then, I was never guaranteed that I’d get to keep that kind of lifestyle. I try instead to be grateful for the years I played insane amounts of sports, traveled like a gypsy, did rock climbing, mountain trekking, cycling, running, surfing (just the once, it’s damned hard), cartwheeling in random places, whitewater rafting, sky diving, and running around like an indestructible Energizer Bunny. At least I got to do that much at all.

The more dangerous maladies – cancer and a brain aneurysm – are a bit harder to just gird one's loins and soldier on with. I had surgery a few months ago to remove a nodule-ridden half of my thyroid and after unexpectedly finding cancer in it, I was supposed to schedule another surgery to have the other half taken out when another test accidentally turned up the brain aneurysm. Unruptured variety. Asymptomatic. Unexpected. I’ve become the Queen of the Worst Case Scenario Incidental Medical Finding. Or not. I’m being dramatic. But man, I swear, I will never again accuse my doctors of calling me in for appointments just to take advantage of my awesome medical insurance. Because both times I said it, turned out they had grave news to share. This is what I get for being an obnoxious optimist. Now I’ve got to get my brain fixed, give my ED- and POTS-ridden body long enough to recover from that, and then have the other half of my thyroid removed to reduce risk of cancer recurrence.

Can you see why I’m a Maflunctioning Robot? Complete with typo, as, well, I’m also dyslexic. I know, I am too awesome for words. Dont jalus.  


  1. You should sneak on to facebook and join the POTS community, so many people on there have multiple diagnoses that having "just" four or five makes you feel normal. :)

  2. BUT PEOPLE ON FACEBOOK ARE SO ANNOYINGGGGG. Okie fine, I'll figure something out. If only for the regular influxes of "you don't have it so bad compared to others."

  3. You're back! Used to read your blog since you were like 10.

    Allah yishfeeki. You'll think I'm crazy but eliminate gluten and sugar and see if some of these chronic conditions don't fade away.